Kobayashi Maru

So I picked the Muppet up from Kindergarten today.  It’s a fun thing to do when I am able to.  She’s always surprised that I am there, and she is always ready to talk about her day: who she sat next to at lunch (which has the possibility for endless drama on an almost daily basis), what she did at school, what she learned, who her favorite teacher is (which never changes, but she wants me to guess every time and seems genuinely amazed at my almost precognitive ability to guess right every time), and other such important details in the life of a 5 year old.

Truth be told (and every now and again it is here on the Maru) I really enjoy the entire verbal process.  It’s her inviting me into her world.  I know that she might not be so eager to do so later in life, so I relish it now.  Today I got some serious scuttlebutt on the goings on in the kindergarten class.  There is all kinds of stuff going on there.  The Terry Fox run is tomorrow and the kids are raising money for the Terry Fox Foundation.  The Muppet decided that she wanted to raise money for Terry Fox like she did last year.  She told the kids this.  They were not as impressed as she thought they should be - mostly because they are all doing the same thing.  SO, being the Muppet, she felt it necessary to remind them that she raised more money than them last year and would do so again this year.

Heh.  Funny, cause last year I was working in an office and I could let her go from cubical to cubical soliciting people who would feel occupationally obligated to help her out.  This year, I work from home…

But this would not be something that held her back.  She told me that we could make calls and get people to give on the internet.  Seriously, my child is 5 and has a pretty good understanding of the vehicles best suited for fundraising.  I told her that we would make some calls, but she had to do the entire solicitation.  SO she had to be prepared to ask people to sponsor her, and then be ready to tell them what she was doing and WHY she was doing it.  She seemed to get the picture, so I called a buddy and asked him if she could solicit him for a fundraiser.  I explained in great length that he was welcome to say yes or no because the lesson was learning how to ask and how to be grateful no matter the response.

So after the quick run down, I handed the phone to the Muppet.  She said hello and then immediately asked if he would like to support her cause.  (I winced a bit because first rule of making an ask is to spend some time establishing rapport with the donor…seriously, everyone knows this and the kid blew right by it.)  I could hear his side of the conversation and it went like this:

The Muppet: “Hello.  Would you like to support my cause?

Her mark: “Well, what’s your cause?”

The Muppet: “We are raising money for Terry Fox.”

Her mark: “How are you doing that?”

The Muppet: “I am calling people and asking them if they want to support my cause.”

Her mark: “How much are you trying to raise?”

The Muppet: “I am letting people decide how much they want to give.”

Her mark: “What does the money go to?”

The Muppet: “The money goes to help little kids in the hospital who have cancer in their bodies, so they don’t have to die like Terry Fox did.”

Her mark: ” <blink> <blink> “uh, okay…how much do you want?”

The Muppet: “However much you want to give so the kids don’t die.”

Her mark: “How’s $50?”

The Muppet: <pulls the phone away from her ear> “Daddy, he’s giving fifty bucks!!”  <puts phone back to ear> “Thank you…daddy will get your money.”

Seriously, this happened over and over for about an hour (though the $50 was the high water mark in single gift size).  She told the same story time after time.  I asked Ferf if she had coached her on wording, and she assured me that she had not, and that the Muppet had come up with that all on her own.

So she’s running in the Terry Fox run.  I am pretty sure she will be the highest fund raiser in the class again.  But, if you want to give, you can.  Click this link to the Terry Fox National School Run.   Where it asks for a participant code, type: APSEQT That’s the Muppet’s page.  Donate however much you want so the kids don’t die.  The Muppet and Terry Fox will both be grateful.

But to get back to the original point of this story - drama in the classroom.

Where were we????  Oh yes, we were on the way home from Kindergarten and the Muppet is sharing her day with me.  She sat next to Emma at lunch because her favorite friend was absent.  But that’s okay.  Her favorite friend was probably sick…or on vacation.  And Emma is nice to sit next to because she chews with her mouth closed.  And she doesn’t spit when she talks.  Both of which are social skills that are evidently not universally practiced in her class.  Then, with absolutely no segue, she mentions that Nate doesn’t like it when everyone in the class looks at him when he gets in trouble.  I mentioned casually that maybe he should stop getting into trouble if the looks of others bother him so much.  The Muppet seemed to be underwhelmed with my suggestion and gave me a look that I AM CERTAIN she learned from her mother who gives me the same look when she is underwhelmed with suggestions I make.  She paused dramatically to give the look and continued on with her story about Nate and his distaste for groups of people looking at him when he gets in trouble.  Wanting to be an active listener, I asked what kind of things he did to get in trouble and thereby garner the looks.  The Muppet told me that he is usually just silly or does inappropriate things.

Now, to be fair, the Muppet has a vocabulary that is kind of outside the norm for 5 year olds (at least this is what I have been told by others.  Personally, I think she has an appropriate vocabulary for a 5 year old, but then she is the only 5 year old I have ever had and thus she is judged against herself in my world - thereby ensuring that she is constantly normal).  So when she says that someone does something “inappropriate” I (a) know that she is aware of the meaning of the word and (b) ask a follow up question that you would expect me to: “What kind of inappropriate things does he do?”

Again, I am honestly expecting her to reply with something fairly benign like “forgets to wash his hands before eating” or “cuts in line at the water fountain.”  Inappropriate to be sure, but hardly earth shattering.  So, when I asked the question it was almost a throw away line.  I am driving, she is in the back seat and I simply want her to know that I am listening and engaged with her.  So you can understand that I almost drove off the road when she said, “Like when he’s inappropriate with others in the cloak room.”

<blink>

<blink>

<blink>

<remember to breathe>

<stop the trembling in your hands>

<release the death grip on the steering wheel>

<calm your voice before you speak and sound relaxed>

“What do you mean baby girl?  What kind of inappropriate things does he do with others in the cloak room?”

<blink>

<blink>

<blink>

<check the clock>

<what’s taking so long to answer?>

<don’t sound pushy>

<don’t panic>

“ahem…Muppet?  Did you hear my question?”

“What daddy?”

“I said, ‘What kind of inappropriate things does he do with others in the cloak room?’”

“oh…he talks.  You aren’t supposed to talk in the cloak room - it’s inappropriate.  He does, and so he gets in trouble, and then everyone looks at him.  He doesn’t like that.”

<as feeling returns to my extremities and thoughts of justifiable homicide recede from my consciousness and my heart rate returns to normal>

“yes…I can see that.  Wanna listen to the radio for a bit?”

Seriously, we’re like 3 weeks in…I don’t know if my heart can make it through a whole year of this kindergarten drama…And poor Nate has no idea how close to death he came today - somebody was gonna get hurt real bad!

note to self - teach the Muppet another word for “inappropriate”…one that doesn’t illicit such strong emotional responses from little girl’s fathers.