And so it’s Earth Day. A day where we celebrate…uhh…Earth. I guess. If you area at all like me - yeah I know, scary thought and not something that you would publicly admit to anyway, but still, if you are, then you would suddenly feel this overwhelming urge - nay, NEED - to Google “earth day” and find out what this whole thing is about anyways…so, let’s do it.
Kneel down, close you eyes and say, “great oracle Google. Please tell us…” What!? Oh sure, you don’t pray to Google. You just use Google like a harlot. Getting your needs met whenever YOU feel like it, but never giving back. Have you ever even said Thank You once?! Well. Have you? I thought not. Ok, Google whore user person. Lets just go get what we want from Google and then move on to the next tab in our browser like we don’t care shall we? FINE!
So Google tells us that
Earth Day, celebrated in the US on April 22, is a day designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth’s environment. It was founded by U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson as an environmental teach-in in 1970 and is celebrated in many countries every year. This date is Spring in the Northern Hemisphere and Autumn in the Southern Hemisphere.
The United Nations celebrates an Earth Day each year on the March equinox.
That sounds all warm-fuzz doesn’t it? Like we should take some time each year and nurture nature? Let’s hug trees and dance naked in the forests at midnight in the light of the full moon…
But I digress…there is more that Google is willing to give us, if we would just be patient and a little kinder.
Like this:
In September 1969 at a conference in Seattle, Washington, U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin announced that in spring 1970 there would be a nationwide grassroots demonstration on the environment. This occurred during a time of great concern about overpopulation and when there was a strong movement towards “Zero Population Growth.”
Nelson viewed the stabilization of the nation’s population as an important aspect of environmentalism and later said:
“The bigger the population gets, the more serious the problems become … We have to address the population issue. The United Kingdom, with the U.S. supporting it, took the position in Cairo in 1994 that every country was responsible for stabilizing its own population. It can be done. But in this country, it’s phony to say ‘I’m for the environment but not for limiting immigration.’”
OH OK!!! So Earth Day was originally a big push to have people stop breeding. I get it. Love the Earth more and each other a little less…nudge, nudge, wink , wink, know what I’m sayin??
SO Earth Day is where we celebrate a pledge to stop procreating. It’s like a birth-control celebration!!! Only, don’t use condoms, cause those things don’t recycle. (If you somehow think differently on that - Please, for the love of God and all that’s holy, don’t explain your position in the comments. Seriously.)
I’m starting to understand now!!
Wait…what? Google has more for us? See how much better it is when you treat Google right Mr. Man?
Five months before the first April 22 Earth Day, on Sunday, November 30, 1969, The New York Times carried a lengthy article by Gladwin Hill reporting on the rising hysteria of “global cooling”.
“Rising concern about the environmental crisis is sweeping the nation’s campuses with an intensity that may be on its way to eclipsing student discontent over the war in Vietnam…a national day of observance of environmental problems…is being planned for next spring…when a nationwide environmental ‘teach-in’…coordinated from the office of Senator Gaylord Nelson is planned….”
OHHHHH….So Earth Day is to warn up about the dangers of Global Cooling!!! I get it. So we all go outside in parkas and mittens and then go out in the forests in the dark of night and rub our naked bodies together to create a natural heat that can turn the tide against this global cooling epidemic that will kill us all with the new ice age!
Wait a minute…what the hell am I going on about? Global COOLING?? I am confused…I need me some more Google.
Denis Hayes, the national coordinator, and his old staff organized massive coast-to-coast rallies. Thousands of colleges and universities organized protests against the deterioration of the environment. Groups that had been fighting against oil spills, polluting factories and power plants, raw sewage, toxic dumps, pesticides, freeways, the loss of wilderness, and the extinction of wildlife suddenly realized they shared common values.
Alllriiiighty then…so on Earth Day we protest. We are angry about deteriorating environments, and oil spills, and factories and power plants and raw sewage (I prefer my sewage medium well personally) and toxic dumps (as opposed to innocuous dumps I suppose), pesticides, and freeways (I hate those big things that are paved and allow me to go visit people and see things that I would otherwise never see or die on the journey to), the loss of wilderness (cause I need more wild in my life) and extinction. These things all really chap my hide. Individually, I would probably just stew in my own proverbial juices, but when looked at collectively, it is a rallying cry to people all over to stand up and say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dib2-HBsF08[/youtube]
I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA…what? I’m sorry, what? What do you mean there’s more? Oh ok, what now?
Earth Day on April 22 in 1990 gave a huge boost to recycling efforts worldwide
Recycling?? Seriously? I thought we were mad as hell? So what, we’re so mad that we’re gonna create blue plastic bags…and we’re gonna put cans and bottles and plastic stuff into different blue bags and neatly set them on our curbside every week! Yeah…that’ll show them…Geez. That’s not even worth getting undressed in the forest for. Earth Day sucks…
Errr…WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? What does that Google biatch want now?!?! I’m starting to understand your emotional detachment to Google. That is one seriously high-maintenance relationship. Even act like you care for one minute and it just won’t shut up…
Ok. What now?
As the millennium approached, Hayes agreed to spearhead another campaign, this time focused on global warming and a push for clean energy.
NOW JUST A FREAKING MINUTE HERE!!! We started this whole thing because of global cooling! Oh, alright, so we actually started it because of over population, but we moved onto global cooling pretty quickly there at the start. So what’s the deal? We did such a good job keeping the planet from getting cold that now folks are pissed that it’s too warm? Are you kidding me?? It’s like my wife wants to be in charge of the Earth’s thermostat too! “It’s too cold…now it’s too hot.” Is the Earth pregnant? Is this really global warming, or just a hot flash? Honestly, the Earth could just be in menopause. I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’.
Ok, so now (for the moment anyway) we are running off to the forest to dance naked in the moonlight…cause it’s too darn hot to do it durng the day? Cause a sunburn on your hoohoo would not be pleasant? I’m confused.
Can’t we just go hug a tree and be done with it?
I for one have been celebrating Earth Day all week long. It’s true. I swear. No really. Ok, I’ll prove it.
On Monday, for some unknown reason, I started getting up at 6am - which is the butt crack of dawn. Honestly, if you get out there early enough you can see the horizon hitching its pants up in the back and going from galactic plumber to morningscape. Anyway, I started running. It’s not like it is the first time in my life. I was on the track team in high school. Yes, this year will be my 20th reunion…so what!? Point is, I have run before. Sure, not in a while. But running is like riding a bike right? Only harder and you can’t coast downhill…and you can’t buy a spiffy new runner that has 12 speeds like a bike does so you can pick the right gear to make peddling easy like on a bike…and there’s no cushy seat (with a gel seat cover) to rest your fat bum on…you know what? Running is NOTHING like riding a bike. I don’t know why I said that. Bike riders are lazy compared to runners.
Anyway, I started running again. Not particularly fast. Not particularly far. And definitely not particularly pretty. But I do it early so people don’t have to see me. They shouldn’t be looking out there anyway unless the want to see the butt crack of dawn and that’s voyeurism anyway and worse, who wants to see buttcrack? People don’t even do Google image searches for buttcrack…
ok, go ahead. you know you want to now. Do a google image search for buttcrack. We’ll wait. Oh for Pete’s sake…make sure safe search is on you sicko…ok. Back now? Happy you did that? I didn’t think so. Did you see the one really fat guy that had a…errrrr, I mean, none of us want to hear about your perverted little foray into pictorial buttcrackdom.
Butt I digress…heh…get it? BUTT I digress….with two T’s…it’s a double entendre…
Anyway, I am running again. Not right at this moment, but conceptually I mean. I run. I have been running for 4 days straight now. And I get up WAY early and put on sweats and nice comfy new runners. (ok, they aren’t NEW new. I bought them like 4 years ago actually. But I had never worn them until Monday when I started running again. So…new.) I grab my ipod with 500 sngs on it, you know, in case I ever get to the point where I need more than the 4 I listen to now…during warm-ups and stretching and running and cool down. WHAT? I’m efficient!!! I plan to do more. I’m working up to it. Next week…FIVE songs!
Again, I digress. So I was proving to you that I have been celebrating Earth Day all week long. So Monday I was hugging a tree on our street cause I needed something to hold onto when I started retching and puking from not having run in freaking years and suddenly thinking it was a good idea and just up and starting again without consulting my body who was OBVIOUSLY a little upset and not fully on board with the idea. Then Tuesday, I hugged a tree - no not the same one, I made it a little further - to steady myself when the world started spinning as I hyperventilated…from not having run in freaking years and suddenly thinking it was a good idea and just up and starting again without consulting my body who was OBVIOUSLY a little upset and not fully on board with the idea. Then today I hugged yet another tree as I desperately tried to stretch out the cramp in my calf because while the rest of my body seemed to be coming around to the idea of running, my legs have taken it as a personal affront and are united in their desire to cause me as much pain as physically possible without there being an infant at the end of the ordeal.
SO there! I have indeed been hugging trees all freaking week. Earth Day is like apathy…I have been doing Earth Week. AND I went to an Earth Day celebration at the Muppet’s school today. That was a treat let me tell you. They all sang a song, that I can only assume they have been practicing, because as much as the Muppet likes to think that life is a musical, the probability of 40 something pre-schoolers and kindergartners suddenly breaking into song spontaneously is pretty slim. I leave you to do the math if you are that interested in probability…plus they all knew the words:
Don’t throw your junk in my backyard, my backyard, my backyard
Don’t throw your junk in my backyard, we must recycle.
Yep…when sung, it sounds about how it reads. No rhyme, no rhythm, nothing that one usually mentally connects with the word “song”. But those details did not stop them from singing it. Over. And over. And over. And over.
You’d think being an institute of learning they would know that Earth Day and recycling is SO 1990! Obviously they don’t Google there. Bet they didn’t hug three different trees this week. Posers…
…
…
…
So the Muppet is a huge fan of music. It probably started when she was in the womb and her Aunty Merf would put headphones on Ferf’s belly and play her favorites. Hundreds of hours of bands who graced the cover of classic Rolling Stones Magazine covers. And then, we would all get up for middle of the night feedings and dance back to sleep with the dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye and James Taylor. However it happened, she LOVES music. And she has very specific tastes. I remember when she was like 6 weeks old, she would often ask us to change the radio station if she did not like the music…or maybe she had pooped herself…either way, I usually changed the station (while Ferf changed her - we all had our assigned duties).
But when the Muppet was old enough to talk - so like 12 months old - What? She was extremely bright, and every time I have told this story she gets younger. I realize this, but it is my story so back off. Where was I, oh right, the Muppet was about 8 months old and she would ask for a specific song to be played over and over and over. (Ok, so maybe she was almost 2 years…whatever, it is barely relevant to the story.) It was Toby Keith’s Whiskey for my Men and Beer for my Horses. I know right, who teaches there two year olds that kind of music, but it was usually on the way to church, so that’s when we listen to worship music…
Anyway, she would be sitting in her astronaut-like 5 point harness baby seat in the back and she would simply say, “More Toby please.” If we dared to play a different Toby Keith song, she would become indignant and chant over and over, “NO NO NO…MORE TOBY PLEASE!!!” Until we played it again. Lucky for me, I like the song. Still do surprisingly enough.
Whatever, my point is that her love of music started early. So I was not too surprised when I was listening to music on the computer (that was TOTALLY LEGALLY DOWNLOADED I might add in case anyone is reading this…are you a cop?? Sorry, I ask that of everyone on advice of my attorney, don’t take it personally. Besides, you aren’t a cop are you?” Anyway, I was listening to some music that was suggested to me by my personal music sommelier Mr. Seth - who is a surprisingly astute judge of music for an Orthodox. What? How is that offensive?? It’s legitimate. How many Orthodox do you know that suggest really good music - especially underground style musicians that you have never really heard of? Does this look like an icon you’d find on your ipod:
But I digress, I simply want to give credit where due to the guy who hooks me up with new music - usually every Friday, though he has been slacking in that department for a while now, but this is not the place to publicly call him out for not living up to his job description…that would be really awkward to do to someone - especially a friend.
Anyway, so one day I was working on the computer - probably entertaining my Maru passengers if I am being honest - and listening to said totally legally downloaded music, which in this instance was a lady by the name of Regina Spektor.
For the purposes of full disclosure, and because I think this lady is seriously talented and that everyone should give her a listen: Regina Spektor (born February 18, 1980) is a Soviet-born Jewish-American singer-songwriter and pianist. Her music is associated with the anti-folk scene centered on New York City’s East Village.
Ok, enough superfluous background info about the song…back to the actual story that made all this relevant and not just me being a Dad bragging about his daughter’s musical interests at an early age…in a semi-anonymous way…on a blog that is a spec on the naval lint that is the internet. There is a point! And I shall find it…it’s like a recession you spend your way out of…this is an alphabetical sink whole that you write your way out of. I’m printing money word here. I’m the alphanumeric treasury department. Sure, if I just keep writing then the value of every word is lessened, but we are in a word recession here and dog gone it, I am going to make sure that everyone has as many words as they need until this crisis is over! A chicken in every pot and a post on every blog! For those who don’t get the reference (not you…I know you get it, but there are a couple of dumb errr culturally illiterate I mean, young people who might not get it) - in 1928 the Republican’s promised that if Herbert Hoover was elected President there would be a “chicken in every pot and a car in every garage”. Of course it was a scant 7 months after he was elected that the stock market crashed and the US entered the Great Depression. Even funnier that Hitler took up that charge when he took power in Germany (to give every German a car) and thus was born the VW.
But I digress…When we last left our heroes, they were in a car - ok, so that’s not where I left off, but I am skipping ahead to make a short story long long story short. Or at least shorter. Work with me here people. So, what do we know?
- the Muppet has a strong love for music
- the Muppet has an even stronger sense of what she does and doesn’t like in her musical tastes
- Tex is a really funny writer and you are glad you are here
- Tex is not above shameless self-promotion when it is late and he is writing a blog post
- History is fun and Tex linked the Republicans and the Nazi in a VERY uncomfortable way even though it is the Democrats that seem to want to nationalize the automotive industry in the States today
- When making lists, Tex is easily distracted by stream of consciousness and should go back to anecdotal, or at least narrative writing
- Tex, and the Muppet, both like the musical talents of Regina Spektor - and neither of them is getting paid for this heartfelt endorsement
- The story that Tex should really get back to telling (sooner rather than later) takes place in a car
Everyone caught up? Anyone need to pee before we get back on the road? Good. Here we go.
Last weekend we as a family took a vacation - see previous post for details if you missed them. I had a fantasy baseball draft to do, and K-town was where said draft is held every year. And, yes, I did draft a freaking amazing team and should walk away with the championship yet one more time this year. Thank you for asking. The team is called the Sons of Thunder and we stole our logo from the Trenton Thunder (the NY Yankees AA affiliate ball team). We use the alternate logo:
Yeah…it is very cool.
But I digress…so after said draft had taken place, I collected the Muppet and Ferf and we got in the car to drive home - usually about a 3.5 hour drive. Though often times it will take longer because we have to stop in Merrit, and Hope, and Chiliwack so that the lovely ladies of my family can pee. Each of these places is like 5 minutes from each other. I kid I kid. But this time we were leaving a little later than I had wanted, and so Ferf and I formulated a plan. The Muppet had nothing to drink for like hours before we left, and we had her do a “last pee” right before we loaded up and left. This would, in theory, get us past Merritt and let our first stop be Hope. (And in a perfect world, our only stop.) But as we neared Merritt, we heard the first of the plaintiff cries from the back - “I have to pee!!” SO I looked at Ferf and said, “let’s stop in Merritt, I will top up the gas tank so we do not have to stop again, and you can drain the Muppet, so we do not have to stop again!” It seemed the perfect plan. Tank got filled, and the Muppet expelled the fluids that she had somehow managed to create out of nothing. We loaded back up and got on the road again.
Now it really is no more than 45 - 60 minutes from Merritt to Hope if you are driving the speed of traffic - which I was. But I swear it was like 10 minutes outside of Merritt that the Muppet said, “I have to go potty again.” Now, this was not something that made me happy to hear. I like to hear my daughter say many things…”I love you Daddy” is pretty high on the list…”uh oh” as a non-sequiter is low on it. But 30 seconds after she just voided her bladder and we are on the road through the mountains, “I have to pee again” is right there at the bottom. So, I looked at Ferf with that Dad look that communicates, “aw hell no” without actually saying “Aw hell no” cause my momma raised me better than to talk like that. And then I said, “Baby girl, you are gonna have to wait until the next place - cause YOU JUST WENT PEE. There is no way you have to go again.” Then Ferf whispers, “she really did pee back there - a lot!” So now I am convinced that she is just restless and thinks public toilets are cool. So I decide internally that I will not stop in Hope unless I become convinced that she really has to pee, and by rule (newly instituted solely for that drive) I will be hard to convince. So for the next 40 minutes we are serenaded by the Muppet bouncing from ” look Daddy, there is snow on the ground…I really have to pee Daddy…I see the moon Daddy…the moon is following us…I need to pee Daddy…my dolly can fly…I want to be a princess when I grow up…I need to pee Daddy…Mommy, did you know I need to pee…the moon is still following us Daddy…I have to get my masters degree before I can marry right?…are we there yet…I need to pee.” You get the picture. Any kid who is that easily distracted, does not really have to pee. The need-to-pee-ers bounce up and down a lot and focus solely on their painfully obvious need to pee, they kick their feet back and forth on the seat back in front of them in such a way as to annoy their parents rhythmically as if each kick to the seat was punctuating “I’…”NEED”…”TO”…”PEE” over and over, and their eyes start to well up with tears cause it hurts so badly (from which we get the phrase - “I have to pee so badly that my eyeballs are floating”). The Muppet was exhibiting none of the classic signs of serious urinary need. SO, as we passed the last exit to Hope, I motored on. Besides, Chiliwack is like only another 27 miles (44km to those who so love the Queen’s rulers). And she did not say a thing about peeing for the last 10 minutes before Hope or the first 5 minutes after Hope. And I figured that even if there had been the smallest degree of legitimacy to her claim, that we had simply been party to that mystical happening where the pee simply goes away. We’ve all had it happen…you have to pee so badly you think it is going to burst out of some other orifice, or create a new one, and then suddenly, it just goes away. We don’t really know what happens to it. It’s there and then it is not. Like some kind of bodily fluid Bermuda Triangle. But it only happens to pee…cause if it happened to say, blood, we would be in a world of hurt.
Police Officer 1: What happened here?
Police Officer 2: We don’t really know sir.
CSI: Don’t look at me.
Coroner: Don’t quote me on this, but it would appear that his blood simply went away.
Police Officer 1: I thought that only happened to pee!
Coroner: We thought so too. But if the bodily fluid Bermuda Triangle is expanding…well, I don’t even want to speculate about the consequences…
So maybe my burgeoning career as a screenwriter just went down in flames. But that is okay. I was digressing anyway. So meanwhile back at the ranch, we were minutes past the last exit for Hope and the Muppet is back to providing us with a need to pee play-by-play. And I think, maybe, just maybe, she really does need to pee. But I go back to the bag o’ tricks to see if she is distractable. We talk about the moon again for a while, and she seems to become oblivious to the pee - only to have it rear it’s ugly head in her consciousness once again. SO we move on to princess stories and contests to see how much dialogue from EVERY FRICKIN BARBIE MOVIE THAT IS IN EXISTENCE AND I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A CHINESE WATER TORTURE she can remember. (turns out to be just about every jot and tiddle in case you were wondering.) (And here is a link to the Wikipedia entry for what a jot and tittle is in case you were wondering that. I am a full service blog post provider and never let me hear you say differently!) But again, her mournful cry would echo through the car at random intervals, “I need to pee REALLY BADLY NOW DADDY.” So, I dug deep down into my repertoire and pulled out - the ipod. And the playlist that makes the Muppet happy. So we plug it into the lighter outlet in the car, and wallah - instant personal radio station. And I figure if I put on one of her favorite songs, then she will be so enraptured with singing along that all thought of urination would cease and desist. So I scramble to scroll through the list of over 500 totally legally downloaded or otherwise acquired songs, and the first one I come to that I know makes her short list, is Regina Spektor’s Fidelity. It is a great little diddy that will get stuck in your head and is fun to sing along with - thus making it perfect to help a 4 year old forget her (possibly) pseudo need to pee.
And at first it had every appearance to work exactly how I thought they would…she saw that I was turning on the ipod and immediately perked up and started asking if she could choose the first song. But I was already ahead of her on the song choice. I wanted to get something on ASAP. So I told her, I picked one of your favorites, and I pushed play. The first notes of the song flitted through the air from the speakers and her eyes lit up with recognition and she said, “OHHHH! Regina Spektor. I like Regina Spektor!” And she started singing along. At which point I looked over at Ferf with, I am sure, the most smug of looks thinking, “HA I KNEW IT! I WIN!” (yes, I realize this makes me horribly shallow that I somehow turned my daughter’s ostensibly fake need to pee into a contest of will with me, and worse, that it was important to me that I win. But I deal with it and move on…so should you. Nothing to see here people. Move along.)
It was about that time that the Muppet spoke from the back shattering my thin illusion of superiority. She simply said, “I love Regina Spektor. And speaking of Regina, my vagina needs to pee.”
I pulled over at the next gas station. I had to. I could not drive I was laughing so hard and my eyes were blurry from the tears.
And just for your listening and viewing pleasure, Here is the song we were listening to at the time. I hope it doesn’t make you have to pee…
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTDRztaCCw[/youtube]