Kobayashi Maru

Tomorrow morning I leave for LA (business conference). Not a bad place for a business conference - especially in light of the fact that it began snowing here again today. Added to the enjoyment of the trip is that Merf, ScottyBear and Yoda (did you remember to do the pseudo-ear thumb wiggle?) all live in that general area of SoCal. More specifically they are in Long Beach, but LA ain’t far. SO I will be treating myself to time with the extended family.

What does this mean to you? (Because, really that’s what matters isn’t it?) Well, unless the hotel has internet access AND public computers AND I can sneak away from my boss (and if you are reading this boss, it’s inherently obvious that I am simply pandering to hope in my readers and have no real intention of sneaking away)…then I probably won’t be able to post anything new for at least a week. HOWEVER, the upside is being in LA and seeing Merf, ScottyBear and Yoda (do the ear thing dangit) - those events alone mean that I can simply sit and watch things happen that are oh so blog worthy. You know it and I know it. I will come back with stories. What happens in LA makes the blog - this ain’t Vegas!

SO be patient and stay tuned. If nothing else, maybe I can get a picture of Merf in the sweet shirt I bought her…

...Comment [3]

So the other day I get this email from my seester-in-law Merf. No subject line. Just the text of the email which said, and I quote (or cut and paste):

Isn’t it strange that the less we hold onto things in our life, the more it feels God holds onto us?

I sat there for a bit thinking, “Crap. That’s better than anything I’ve ever written. Shorter sure…but better too.” As was her intent I am sure, I did sit and contemplate that for quite a while. I think she’s right. The problem is that most of us don’t know that becuase we never get to the point of not holding onto the things that we hold onto, so we never get to really feel God hold onto us.

It reminded me of another time in my life where a girl was much more eloquent than I could have been. It was back in the 80’s. I was in high school. I was very cool. I wore Vans and parachute pants. Many of my shirts did not have sleeves when I bought them. Cutting holes in my jeans was a new concept. Every band I liked was either a hard rock group doing a ballad or two gay guys with electronic music. Anyways, I had just, and I mean JUST gotten my class ring. For those of you who live under a rock (or were homeschooled) this is a big big thing. Huge even. This monster piece of jewelry is what everyone goes to school to get really. More than the diploma. Seriously. I know where my class ring is, but have no earthly idea where my piece of paper that the prinicpal handed me all those years ago is.

So I have my new, shiny, pride-inducing, personalized, $300+ ring. I wear it proudly and all the time. Waiting until I get a smokin hot girlfriend who will wrap inordinate amounts of ribbon around the bottom of it and wear it on her finger, or put it on a chain around her neck where it will nestle between the lapels of my letter jacket which she will also be wearing. At the time of the story however, this has yet to happen. But, wearing my ring, I went off to a summer camp to work as a counselor. Actually a co-counselor, not yet a counselor but not quite as lowly as a C.I.T. (counselor in training) who are the turds in the punchbowl of life. They do everything that is menial and disturbing at the camp. But I digress…I was a co-counselor in charge of a group of 8th graders who will be going into the 9th grade in te fall. So this is their last big hurrah before they become freshmen in high school - the educational system’s version of C.I.T’s. The next 9 months of their lives would be one big tornado of wedgies, swirlies, humiliation, and being crammed into lockers: hazing as it was once practiced before people became so anti-abuse in society. Thus they deserved to have a summer of fun. It was my job to help ensure that for that one week, everyone youger than them understood they they were the top of the food chain.

One of the ways we did that was through competitions. So we spent our afternoons crushing 6th and 7th graders in softball, volleyball, ping pong, thumb wrestling, whatever. This usually happened in the presence of cabins occupied by 8th grade girls. Cause the only way it really counts is if chicks see you do it. So one day we were playing something involving a ball and a 12 sqft mud pit. It seemed to me that wisdom dictate that I remove my class ring so not to lose it in the muck. I took it off and gave it to a friend of mine (a girl yes, but that was the closest she would ever get to having my ring - so just a friend).

Sometime during the game she was called away to do something and asked an 8th grade girl that she trusted to hold onto my ring. (I know, I know…who in their right minds trusts anyone in 8th grade!?) For reasons I will never understand she gave the ring to her to hold. I think she waited a whole 30 seconds before she ran off with it into her girls cabin (where, it should be obvious, I was not allowed to go). Meanwhile, after the butt stomping we gave the other team, we climbed out of the pit and I went in search of my ring…my precious. (At the time I had actually read the book - not just watched the movie! For those of you who have only watched the movie and feel like you have somehow connected with Tolkien on some spiritual level: that is crap. READ THE FREAKIN BOOK. He didn’t write a screenplay; he wrote a three book trilogy!) Anyway, my ring was nowhere to be found. I might have freaked out a bit - I don’t know really, that part is kinda fuzzy. But I was unable to track it down. Finally at dinner I see this cadre of 8th grade girls walk in surrounding one girl who was wearing the one ring. I politely asked that she return said ring to its rightful owner, but she refused as it was on her finger (wrapped with a lovely matching blue ribbon so that it fit snuggly on her ring finger). I was not as amused as she might have thought I would be. But she simply said no, that she would give it to me at the end of the week.

I was put in a very difficult position by this. Sure, I could probably justify forcibly removing the ring (and her finger for that matter) but something told me not to (possibly sound judgment and common sense). SO I let her go. And everyday for a week I watched as she wore my ring everywhere she went showing it off to everyone, giggling and pointing at me. The last night of camp I spoke on trusting God as they went back into the real world. The next day at breakfast, there at my table was my ring and a note. The note said:

I know you don’t like the fact that I have been wearing your ring, but I have tought us both something. Remember last night when you were talking about putting our trust in God? Well, I proved to you that it’s possible. You gave me something very valuable and you trusted me with it. You were in doubt, but I took care of it. Well, isn’t it the same with God? We give God our valuable lives and have to trust Him with it. Everyone’s in doubt, but you learn. Right? I’m really glad we did this. Thanx.

Here’s the kicker - she really did take better care of it than I ever did. She cleaned it and polished it (I have never really done either) by hand and gave it back to me in better shape than when she got it. She, an 8th grade girl who just wanted to wear a senior ring, changed my perception. Obviously, it stuck with me. I still have the handwritten letter in my Bible (hence my ability to quote it).

Somehow it always really does come down to trusting God. Trusting him enough to just let go. Let go of whatever it is you feel like you have to hold on to. That will be different to everyone, and will be different to you at different times in your life. Like my class ring. I still have it, and it holds a lot of memories, but I would not be overwhelmed with anxiety and dispair if it were to get lost. (Mind you, if some hussy 8th grade girl took it to pretend that she had hooked up with me to her pre-pubescent friends…that would still disturb me for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is becuase it would get me thrown in prison.)

I think the last few years for Ferf and I have been an intensive exercise in learning to let go of things that we had historically found comfort and/or security in. God in his terrible mercy has given us the opportunity to know what it really feels like to be utterly dependent on Him. To have no choice but to feel Him hold us. I’d love to tell you that it is a wonderfully warm place where all your cares are gone and you are adrift in a sea of contentment. For me, that has not been the exact wording I would use. My recollections are of worry, fear, anxiety, nights of crying, feelings of abandonment, deep sorrow and loss. Interspersed in that I did often feel His presence. I knew that He was and has been with us. But it was more of an understanding that this was a thing that had to happen. That His plan included it and we had to endure. No promise of an ending soon. No real timeline that we could hang our hats on. More of a on-going “you’re in the crap and you’re gonna stay in it for a bit” peace. And I have realized that often when things are being taken away, that is when we hold on the tightest - even after they are gone. It’s weird that we can do that, but we can. Whatever it is that gives us comfort, if it gets taken away we tightly hold onto the thought of it. That is not letting go. It is actually harder to let go of something that we still have. To hold something with a true open hand - that is the crux of it.

I’m not there yet. Probably never will be. But I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was when life was, well we’ll call it “more convenient”. So slowly but surely it feels more and more like God is holding on to me. Which is good. I need to be held - held down if nothing else.

...Comment [3]

So for fun I went to this website and did a handwriting analysis. It tests you on how you cross T’s and write M’s and O’s and the angle of your handwriting and the size of your handwriting and such things. Then they tell you what it means with regards to your personality and such. This is what it says about my handwriting and my personality.

****** The Handwriting Analysis Starts Here *******

The way I write my Y’s says this: Tex has difficulty trusting anyone. In fact, he trusts no one completely. This is a result of his trust being betrayed in the past. This trait can cause much unhappiness. However, it can be changed.

The way the crossing line of my T’s touches the base line shows that: Tex has a temper. He uses this as a defense mechanism when he doesn’t understand how to handle a situation, or if you just simply piss him off.

The angle of the cross stroke of my T’s says that: Tex is sarcastic. He can poke people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny.

The way I write L’s shows that: Tex is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. He finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn’t necessarily mean things go as planned. Tex basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality– not too “out of reach”. He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence category, his self-perception is better than average.

The way I script M’s shows that: In reference to Tex’s mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Tex slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Tex can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

How I make O’s shows that: Tex will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell you what he thinks if you ask for it, whether you like it or not. So, if you don’t really want his opinion, don’t ask for it! He calls a spade a spade.

The angle of my writing overall shows: Tex is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person’s shoes. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Tex an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too “far out.” He doesn’t sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Tex is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Tex is a “middle-of-the-roader,” politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn’t relate to any far out ideas and usually won’t go to the extreme on any issue.

And in how you write it appears that size matters because: Tex tends to write a bit smaller than the average person. When a person’s letters are small and tiny, this indicates an ability to focus and concentrate. This character trait is a huge asset in careers like math, science, race car driving, and flying planes. However, if Tex writes tiny all of the time, he will also display characteristics of someone who is socially introverted. Tex will often sit on the sideline and watch others get the attention at parties. He might be willing to open up and be warm, but only in small groups or a select group of people. When he is busy working on a project, it is common for all other noises and distractions to just fade away and his ability to focus is incredible. When he says he didn’t hear you… really, he didn’t hear you.

So, there you go. Me in a nutshell thanks to the fascinating studgy of Graphology. And while there is no real empirical evidence to suggest that it is anything more than simply interesting, I have to at least agree with the “he calls a spade a spade” part…and the sarcastic part…oh and the “temper if you piss him off” part. Otherwise it might be complete shite - or it might be frighteningly accurate, depending on how well you know me and if I’m being honest or not.

I think I might become a professional graphologist - give me some comments and I will judge from how you type what your personality is. It’s a little less accurate than actual handwriting…but I’m willing to give it a shot.

...Comment [7]

Alright. We are now 10 days into 2007, but that’s not going to keep me from giving you all the year’s top headlines. Other news sources may wait until hard facts and data have come across their desks before they report a story, but I’m going to cut right to the chase and tell you everything that went down in ‘07. Consider it my first real foray into prophecy.

Now, obviously I don’t have any specific names, places or dates, but you can just fill those in as the year progresses and information is passed along. So without further adieu (or ado, depending on how French or Texan you are), here is “2007 - The Year in Review.”

In political news, President Bush urged Congress to [something involving the Middle East and the U.S. Military]. [Group of idiots] supported the president, but [other group of idiots] strongly opposed the president on this issue, and it became bogged down in committee.

Also in politics, [random senator or congressman] was embroiled in a scandal when it was discovered that [he or she] [accepted money illegally and/or had inappropriate relations with a minor].

But 2007 wasn’t just a big year for politics. The world of entertainment also had a lot to offer us in the way of news. First of all, who could forget when [random celebrity] was busted for DUI and sent to rehab. I think the image of [said celebrity's] mugshot will be burnt into my memory forever.

And who could forget when [B or C level celebrity] came out of the closet. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, [celebrity couple] got divorced after [single-digit number] years of marriage. And the release of [lame movie] sparked protests from the Catholic church and helped [lame movie] go on to make over $500 million worldwide.

But it wasn’t all bad news out of Hollywood. [Different celebrity couple] gave birth to a beautiful baby [boy or girl] and named it [random object that only a complete moron would name their baby]. They weren’t the only ones with baby news. [Attention-starved, talentless celebrity] adopted a baby from [third world country].

It was also a banner year in sports. [Athlete that I forgot was still playing] broke [some record]. Also, the [random team name] shocked everyone when they won [name of championship trophy for corresponding sport]. Quite the Cinderella story if I do say so myself.

Sadly, it wasn’t all good news in the sports world. [Waste of talent] tested positive for steroid use and his case was [quickly forgotten or ignored]. There was also a huge brawl in [sports league dominated by testosterone] that resulted in the suspension of [3-5 jerks covered in tattoos]. And [superstar athlete] was accused of [rape or murder], but the charges were dropped due to [superstar athlete] paying a large sum of money to [victim].

In world news, a [random natural disaster] struck [country somewhere in Asia] and killed [10,000-100,000] people.

In U.S. news, the entire nation prayed for [kidnapped blonde college girl and/or seven-year-old blonde girl], only to be saddened when her dead body was discovered [one week to four months] later.

Finally, who could forget that 2007 is the year that gave us [name of popular website]. The website that revolutionized [pointless activity] and had the entire world [something that wastes your life].

So there’s your 2007 wrap-up. I would say it will be an amazing year, but the truth is that it will be a year like any other. As the months pass, the information I’ve left blank will fill in, the stories will be sold to us, and we’ll react the same way we always do: we’ll argue, debate, pass judgment, cry, laugh, protest, make jokes and I’ll blog about it.

For those who like to plan well in advance, I hope this was helpful to you.

...Comment [2]

SO the holidays are over, the tree has been thrown away (or dismantled for the conservationists out there who are reading this blog, though I have no idea how they ended up here), the last of the eggnog has been poured down the sink when the rum ran out, the torn ends of wrapping paper have been collected from between couch cushions, the few final pieces of tinsel have been stuck in the vacuum cleaner head, all the “I can’t believe they bought me this crap” (but I’m glad they told me where they bought it) gifts have been returned for store credit or re-gifted to loved ones who live far away where they can’t return it; the remaining chocolate in the staff lunch room is starting to turn a weird white color, and any residual goodwill from people is quickly fading as they cut you off on the highway and cuss you in the belief that Santa is just too damn tired to be paying attention to that kind of stuff already.

Welcome to 2007. It’s a brand new year with hundreds of stories waiting to be lived and told (or made up and blogged). I spent a lot of time with family in Texas and came back to lots of friends in Canada who hugged me, said welcome back, and immediately asked when Ferf and the Muppet were returning. Not that I take that personally…not real personally. I just said soon, hugged them back and gave them their re-gifted Christmas crap that I had rewrapped before I came home. (All with a smile on my face).

I feel an overwhelming need to take a moment and talk about the AHHH MY EYES!! post. It has become – far and away – the most commented on thing I have ever written. Unfortunately all said comments came verbally and (with due respect to Costal) there were virtually NO written comments. I have given this some thought and can come up with a few possible reasons for this: 1) at the time of reading the post, your mind went completely blank as some long lost vestigial self defence system kicked into gear for the first time in your life. The mythological third choice in case of emergency: Fight/ Flight/ Forget OR 2) you did not have said defence system kick in and so without conscious thought you began to establish a mental image as you read and before you knew it you were curled up in the foetal position in your shower shivering like a scene out of the Crying Game swearing never to return to the Maru (and like most resolutions have already broken that one by reading this) OR 3) you are some piece of human spybot malware that only came to the site because you googled “lapdance + mom” and only once you got here did you realize that this was not what you were expecting. Whatever the case, I appreciate the emails, phone calls, personal anecdotes and letters that came in as responses to my personal horror stories. They were well meant and, aside from the few that thought it was funny and tried to imagine doing the same to their mothers-in-law and told me about it in vivid graphic detail, mostly healing in nature. Anyway, I am past that now and have moved on to new adventures that by design will not include my mother, bras, lapdances, Ferf or any strange combination of them. However I reserve the right to have adventures that include any and all of them except my mother!

2007 is also a year of new things already. Marvin called me because he wanted to use one of my illustrations in his sermon this Sunday. I want to be clear that we have always had an unspoken agreement that either of us could use the other’s material at any time. (At least that was my understanding when I stole his stuff over and over again and acted like it was mine – he’s in another country for goodness sakes, he’ll never know not care.) And now, for the first time in recorded history HE IS USING SOMETHING OF MINE!!!! I shouldn’t be this boisterous about it I know, but what do you want? He called and asked. Of course, he actually called and asked for the specifics behind the instance so he could quote it with integrity in case someone called him on it he could back it up. (Or in layman’s terms, he had to acknowledge that my research skills are superior…or in gaming terminology, I have a +20 vorpal orb of research and he only carries 2 papyrus scrolls of study…or in theological terms, I do exegetical studies and he…whatever, you get the picture.) This excites me because either this is the first time he has ever used my stuff, or is the first time that he has had to admit that he used my stuff – whichever, go me! I plan to download his sermon off his church website after it is posted to make sure that he gave me credit (since his church is all technologically advanced; best he can do to find out if I ever use his stuff is to dig through my trashcan and look for handwritten notes).

So if you happen to find yourself in a Southern Baptist church this weekend down in Texas somewhere near the rock that is round, feel free to randomly shout out in the middle of his sermon, “That’s good stuff preacher! Where’d you get it!?”

If he actually does give me credit, I will probably post the wav file here on the Maru for posterity! We will all have to wait and see…

...Comment [2]