Kobayashi Maru

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbtkhB3cFGs[/youtube]

...Comment [1]

So the Muppet is a huge fan of music.  It probably started when she was in the womb and her Aunty Merf would put headphones on Ferf’s belly and play her favorites.  Hundreds of hours of bands who graced the cover of classic Rolling Stones Magazine covers.  And then, we would all get up for middle of the night feedings and dance back to sleep with the dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye and James Taylor.  However it happened, she LOVES music.  And she has very specific tastes.  I remember when she was like 6 weeks old, she would often ask us to change the radio station if she did not like the music…or maybe she had pooped herself…either way, I usually changed the station (while Ferf changed her - we all had our assigned duties).
But when the Muppet was old enough to talk - so like 12 months old - What?  She was extremely bright, and every time I have told this story she gets younger.  I realize this, but it is my story so back off.  Where was I, oh right, the Muppet was about 8 months old and she would ask for a specific song to be played over and over and over.  (Ok, so maybe she was almost 2 years…whatever, it is barely relevant to the story.)  It was Toby Keith’s Whiskey for my Men and Beer for my Horses.  I know right, who teaches there two year olds that kind of music, but it was usually on the way to church, so that’s when we listen to worship music…

Anyway, she would be sitting in her astronaut-like 5 point harness baby seat in the back and she would simply say, “More Toby please.”  If we dared to play a different Toby Keith song, she would become indignant and chant over and over, “NO NO NO…MORE TOBY PLEASE!!!”  Until we played it again.  Lucky for me, I like the song.  Still do surprisingly enough.

Whatever, my point is that her love of music started early.  So I was not too surprised when I was listening to music on the computer (that was TOTALLY LEGALLY DOWNLOADED I might add in case anyone is reading this…are you a cop??  Sorry, I ask that of everyone on advice of my attorney, don’t take it personally.  Besides, you aren’t a cop are you?”  Anyway, I was listening to some music that was suggested to me by my personal music sommelier Mr. Seth - who is a surprisingly astute judge of music for an Orthodox.  What?  How is that offensive??  It’s legitimate.  How many Orthodox do you know that suggest really good music - especially underground style musicians that you have never really heard of?    Does this look like an icon you’d find on your ipod:

But I digress, I simply want to give credit where due to the guy who hooks me up with new music - usually every Friday, though he has been slacking in that department for a while now, but this is not the place to publicly call him out for not living up to his job description…that would be really awkward to do to someone - especially a friend.

Anyway, so one day I was working on the computer - probably entertaining my Maru passengers if I am being honest - and listening to said totally legally downloaded music, which in this instance was a lady by the name of Regina Spektor.

For the purposes of full disclosure, and because I think this lady is seriously talented and that everyone should give her a listen:  Regina Spektor (born February 18, 1980) is a Soviet-born Jewish-American singer-songwriter and pianist. Her music is associated with the anti-folk scene centered on New York City’s East Village.

Ok, enough superfluous background info about the song…back to the actual story that made all this relevant and not just me being a Dad bragging about his daughter’s musical interests at an early age…in a semi-anonymous way…on a blog that is a spec on the naval lint that is the internet.  There is a point!  And I shall find it…it’s like a recession you spend your way out of…this is an alphabetical sink whole that you write your way out of.  I’m printing money word here.  I’m the alphanumeric treasury department.  Sure, if I just keep writing then the value of every word is lessened, but we are in a word recession here and dog gone it, I am going to make sure that everyone has as many words as they need until this crisis is over!  A chicken in every pot and a post on every blog!  For those who don’t get the reference (not you…I know you get it, but there are a couple of dumb errr culturally illiterate I mean, young people who might not get it) - in 1928 the Republican’s promised that if Herbert Hoover was elected President there would be a “chicken in every pot and a car in every garage”.  Of course it was a scant 7 months after he was elected that the stock market crashed and the US entered the Great Depression. Even funnier that Hitler took up that charge when he took power in Germany (to give every German a car) and thus was born the VW.

But I digress…When we last left our heroes, they were in a car - ok, so that’s not where I left off, but I am skipping ahead to make a short story long long story short.  Or at least shorter.   Work with me here people.  So, what do we know?

1. the Muppet has a strong love for music
2. the Muppet has an even stronger sense of what she does and doesn’t like in her musical tastes
3. Tex is a really funny writer and you are glad you are here
4. Tex is not above shameless self-promotion when it is late and he is writing a blog post
5. History is fun and Tex linked the Republicans and the Nazi in a VERY uncomfortable way even though it is the Democrats that seem to want to nationalize the automotive industry in the States today
6. When making lists, Tex is easily distracted by stream of consciousness and should go back to anecdotal, or at least narrative writing
7. Tex, and the Muppet, both like the musical talents of Regina Spektor - and neither of them is getting paid for this  heartfelt endorsement
8. The story that Tex should really get back to telling (sooner rather than later) takes place in a car

Everyone caught up?  Anyone need to pee before we get back on the road?  Good.  Here we go.

Last weekend we as a family took a vacation - see previous post for details if you missed them.  I had a fantasy baseball draft to do, and K-town was where said draft is held every year.  And, yes, I did draft a freaking amazing team and should walk away with the championship yet one more time this year.  Thank you for asking.  The team is called the Sons of Thunder and we stole our logo from the Trenton Thunder (the NY Yankees AA affiliate ball team).  We use the alternate logo:

Yeah…it is very cool.

But I digress…so after said draft had taken place, I collected the Muppet and Ferf and we got in the car to drive home - usually about a 3.5 hour drive.  Though often times it will take longer because we have to stop in Merrit, and Hope, and Chiliwack so that the lovely ladies of my family can pee.  Each of these places is like 5 minutes from each other.  I kid I kid.  But this time we were leaving a little later than I had wanted, and so Ferf and I formulated a plan.  The Muppet had nothing to drink for like hours before we left, and we had her do a “last pee” right before we loaded up and left.  This would, in theory, get us past Merritt and let our first stop be Hope.  (And in a perfect world, our only stop.)  But as we neared Merritt, we heard the first of the plaintiff cries from the back - “I have to pee!!”  SO I looked at Ferf and said, “let’s stop in Merritt, I will top up the gas tank so we do not have to stop again, and you can drain the Muppet, so we do not have to stop again!”  It seemed the perfect plan.  Tank got filled, and the Muppet expelled the fluids that she had somehow managed to create out of nothing.  We loaded back up and got on the road again.

Now it really is no more than 45 - 60 minutes from Merritt to Hope if you are driving the speed of traffic - which I was.  But I swear it was like 10 minutes outside of Merritt that the Muppet said, “I have to go potty again.”   Now, this was not something that made me happy to hear.  I like to hear my daughter say many things…”I love you Daddy” is pretty high on the list…”uh oh” as a non-sequiter is low on it.  But 30 seconds after she just voided her bladder and we are on the road through the mountains, “I have to pee again” is right there at the bottom.  So, I looked at Ferf with that Dad look that communicates, “aw hell no” without actually saying “Aw hell no” cause my momma raised me better than to talk like that.  And then I said, “Baby girl, you are gonna have to wait until the next place - cause YOU JUST WENT PEE.  There is no way you have to go again.”  Then Ferf whispers, “she really did pee back there - a lot!”  So now I am convinced that she is just restless and thinks public toilets are cool.  So I decide internally that I will not stop in Hope unless I become convinced that she really has to pee, and by rule (newly instituted solely for that drive) I will be hard to convince.  So for the next 40 minutes we are serenaded by the Muppet bouncing from ” look Daddy, there is snow on the ground…I really have to pee Daddy…I see the moon Daddy…the moon is following us…I need to pee Daddy…my dolly can fly…I want to be a princess when I grow up…I need to pee Daddy…Mommy, did you know I need to pee…the moon is still following us Daddy…I have to get my masters degree before I can marry right?…are we there yet…I need to pee.”  You get the picture.  Any kid who is that easily distracted, does not really have to pee.  The need-to-pee-ers bounce up and down a lot and focus solely on their painfully obvious need to pee, they kick their feet back and forth on the seat back in front of them in such a way as to annoy their parents rhythmically as if each kick to the seat was punctuating “I’…”NEED”…”TO”…”PEE” over and over,  and their eyes start to well up with tears cause it hurts so badly (from which we get the phrase - “I have to pee so badly that my eyeballs are floating”).  The Muppet was exhibiting none of the classic signs of serious urinary need.  SO, as we passed the last exit to Hope, I motored on.   Besides, Chiliwack is like only another 27 miles (44km to those who so love the Queen’s rulers).  And she did not say a thing about peeing for the last 10 minutes before Hope or the first 5 minutes after Hope.  And I figured that even if there had been the smallest degree of legitimacy to her claim, that we had simply been party to that mystical happening where the pee simply goes away.  We’ve all had it happen…you have to pee so badly you think it is going to burst out of some other orifice, or create a new one, and then suddenly, it just goes away.  We don’t really know what happens to it.  It’s there and then it is not.  Like some kind of bodily fluid Bermuda Triangle.  But it only happens to pee…cause if it happened to say, blood, we would be in a world of hurt.

Police Officer 1:  What happened here?

Police Officer 2: We don’t really know sir.

CSI: Don’t look at me.

Coroner:  Don’t quote me on this, but it would appear that his blood simply went away.

Police Officer 1: I thought that only happened to pee!

Coroner: We thought so too.  But if the bodily fluid Bermuda Triangle is expanding…well, I don’t even want to speculate about the consequences…

So maybe my burgeoning career as a screenwriter just went down in flames.  But that is okay.  I was digressing anyway.  So meanwhile back at the ranch, we were minutes past the last exit for Hope and the Muppet is back to providing us with a need to pee play-by-play.  And I think, maybe, just maybe, she really does need to pee.  But I go back to the bag o’ tricks to see if she is distractable.  We talk about the moon again for a while, and she seems to become oblivious to the pee - only to have it rear it’s ugly head in her consciousness once again.  SO we move on to princess stories and contests to see how much dialogue from EVERY FRICKIN BARBIE MOVIE THAT IS IN EXISTENCE AND I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A CHINESE WATER TORTURE she can remember.  (turns out to be just about every jot and tiddle in case you were wondering.) (And here is a link to the Wikipedia entry for what a jot and tittle is in case you were wondering that.  I am a full service blog post provider and never let me hear you say differently!)  But again, her mournful cry would echo through the car at random intervals, “I need to pee REALLY BADLY NOW DADDY.”  So, I dug deep down into my repertoire and pulled out - the ipod.  And the playlist that makes the Muppet happy.  So we plug it into the lighter outlet in the car, and wallah - instant personal radio station.  And I figure if I put on one of her favorite songs, then she will be so enraptured with singing along that all thought of urination would cease and desist.  So I scramble to scroll through the list of over 500 totally legally downloaded or otherwise acquired songs, and the first one I come to that I know makes her short list, is Regina Spektor’s Fidelity.  It is a great little diddy that will get stuck in your head and is fun to sing along with - thus making it perfect to help a 4 year old forget her (possibly) pseudo need to pee.

And at first it had every appearance to work exactly how I thought they would…she saw that I was turning on the ipod and immediately perked up and started asking if she could choose the first song.  But I was already ahead of her on the song choice.   I wanted to get something on ASAP.  So I told her, I picked one of your favorites, and I pushed play.  The first notes of the song flitted through the air from the speakers and her eyes lit up with recognition and she said, “OHHHH!  Regina Spektor.  I like Regina Spektor!”  And she started singing along.  At which point I looked over at Ferf with, I am sure, the most smug of looks thinking, “HA I KNEW IT!  I WIN!”  (yes, I realize this makes me horribly shallow that I somehow turned my daughter’s ostensibly fake need to pee into a contest of will with me, and worse, that it was important to me that I win.  But I deal with it and move on…so should you.  Nothing to see here people.  Move along.)

It was about that time that the Muppet spoke from the back shattering my thin illusion of superiority.  She simply said, “I love Regina Spektor.  And speaking of Regina, my vagina needs to pee.”

I pulled over at the next gas station.  I had to.  I could not drive I was laughing so hard and my eyes were blurry from the tears.

And just for your listening and viewing pleasure, Here is the song we were listening to at the time.  I hope it doesn’t make you have to pee…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTDRztaCCw[/youtube]

...Comment [2]

Music can play a huge part in a person’s life. I know this personally. I was speaking to a friend of mine just the other day extolling the virtues of one having theme music. As a closet fan of the old blaxploitation movies I have seen I’m Gonna Git You Sucka quite a few times and in the eloquent words of John Spade, “every hero’s got to have some theme music”. That being said, I believe everyone should have theme music.

Many of us have a special song that we connect with our spouse or significant other. The ubiquitous “our song“. You have one. You know you do. At least your wife thinks you have one, so you better pretend like hell that (a) you know this to be true and (b) you remember what it is and (c) you remember why it is your song. Because you can bet the farm that she does. And if she’s reading this - she will quiz you.

Anyways, as I was starting to say before I so rudely rabbit trailed there is that music plays a huge part in our lives. You can hear a song on the radio and have memories come flooding back to you. It’s true. Some long forgotten song starts playing and suddenly you can taste lik-em-sticks on your tongue or remember the heartbreak when little Suzie checked “NO” on the do-you-like-me note you passed her or smell the sweat on the dirty laundry when you snuk into the locker room with the pastor’s daughter at the Christian school cause she had a reputation for being easy and…umm, wait…let’s get back to my point. Music can tap into your mind and memories like few things can. Memory is deeply tied to sensory perception and so auditory sounds can be indelibly linked to moments in our past - like a Polaroid picture that you don’t have to shake. This is why 80’s music is so popular with my demographic. We relive moments in our lives through snippets of song. Sometimes I hear a song and I am transported back to the very moment that I first heard it. When I hear anything off Van Halen’s album 5150 I find myself mentally back in Jason Miller’s garage lifting weights on his brand new weight deck during the summer 2 weeks before football 2-a-days started. I was on the bench press when he hit play on the tape deck and the sound of Sammy Hagar leading David Lee Roth’s band hit my ears for the very first time.

Anytime I listen to either of the 2 good songs that Asia put out Only Time Will Tell and Heat of the Moment I remember clearly the summer I spent with my Uncle when my cousin Ronnie took me to my first rock concert ever in my life - obviously it was an Asia concert. I think I was in 5th grade and my cousin Hope was in 8th and I stayed with them on the air force base where they were living. I have no idea where it was now, but I do remember Hope’s best friend on the base (also in 8th grade). I don’t remember her name, but I remember that she was incredibly good looking (to a 5th grader anyways) and that I thought given time we could overcome the age difference and make a go of a real relationship. Unfortunately (for her in my opinion) it didn’t work out, and I had to go home. But she did give me a full frontal hug before I left and I listened to the album that I had purchased at the concert - that’s a big black disk that played music on a record player for all you youngsters reading this - in fact, why are you reading this? It’s late and it’s a school night, go to bed - and thought of her often and fondly for years. In fact, I still have the record, but more as a memory of the first concert that I went to than as a symbol of unrequited love on a random air force base of my youth. Honestly, I don’t even remember her name.

Back to the point…music can be a soundtrack of our lives. In one of the better movies in existence Hi Fidelity - and truly this is a case where the movie is so much better than the book, cause when I read the book John Cusack and jack Black were not it in, but they are in the movie - the main character Rob owns a record store. At one point he is rearranging his massive record collection when one of his employees stops by to try and get him to go out with him to hear a singer perform. But, alas, Rob is pining away over his recent break up and consoling himself through music. The dialogue goes like this:
Dick: I guess it looks as if you’re reorganizing your records. What is this though? Chronological?
Rob: No…
Dick: Not alphabetical…
Rob: Nope…
Dick: Then what?
Rob: Autobiographical.
Dick: No f-ing way!

The reason that line works is that we could all do it. We could reconstruct our lives with music. HEck, if you play Old Rugged Cross it puts me in a pew in Cypress Bible Church next to my father, with him belting it out with vigor and a complete tone-deafness that horrified my mother, brother and I to no end. Heck Mom always got to sit on the far side of Marvin and I - to keep us in line was the official reason, but as we got older we knew it was just to be as far away from his atrocious vocal sounds as possible. And Marvin and I were left to fight over who had to sit next to dad and who got to sit next to mom. But that song starts to get played on a piano (or especially an organ) and BAM suddenly I am 7 years old again wondering why on earth God put that “make a joyful noise” line in the Bible because it just encouraged my dad.

That being said. I want to share with you a song that has deep meaning for me. The lyrics are profound and the arrangement is nothing short of genius. This song has gone with me since 1999 when it was released. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I bought the cassette immediately and then the CD and eventually the MP3 download. Whatever type of music format is coming next, I will have it in that as well. This song was with me so much that my buddy whom I tracked down a while back via the wonder that is the internet, emailed me after we talked that first time in a dozen years and said, “hey, do you remember that song you used to listen to all the time…” It was of course the song of which I speak. And it was a song, that for him, tied him to many memories of good days. I emailed him the song. And now I give it to you. It won’t bring you back my memories, but maybe it will spark some for you - or at least give you this post to remember next time you hear it…

.

Then you can tell me what songs are memory finders for you and what do they remind you of…

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